“These jeans were only N10K” “No, I don’t care that your feet are on the white table.” White lies don’t doom a marriage, right? “We don’t want to upset, annoy or scare our spouse, so it’s easier to lie,” says biological anthropologist Helen Fisher, PhD, Chief Scientific Officer of Chemistry.com and Match.com. But fibbing is a slippery slope. “When you lie continually, you won’t be able to keep your lies straight. Your husband will find out you’re lying, and then there’s no trust, and then it’s a downward spiral from then on.” And a marriage like that isn’t one you want to be in. Here, experts explain common lies women tell, how they can harm the relationship and what you can do instead of stretching the truth:
1. “I had only one glass of wine at dinner.”
Your husband may have told you he doesn’t like how you act when you drink too much. “Maybe you flirt with other men or yell, which makes your husband critical of you,”. So now you hide how many glasses of wine you’ve had so he’s not on the lookout for bad behavior. One lie begets another, and another, and another. Why drink and lie? Do you have a drinking problem?
The problem grows when you start layering lies. “You might stop telling your partner where you’re going out or make up stories about why you drank, which erodes trust even more.” Instead of covering up your drinking habits, address your husband’s concerns and work on solutions for valid issues together.
2. “I’ve never seen Bolanle outside of the workplace.”
If you think your husband can’t handle your friendship with another man, you may think telling him about your relationship would create tension. “Partners lie about meeting up with friends of the opposite sex because they believe they won’t get caught-and they’d prefer not to open a can of worms,”
But if you say you don’t see a male friend and then do, innocent interactions can feel like betrayal if your husband finds out. At the end of the day, you’ll end up looking guilty even when you didn’t have the slightest intention to do bad. “Tell your spouse you don’t want to jeopardize your marriage for a friendship with your coworker, but you’d like to understand what bothers him about the relationship,”. “Work on what’s triggering the jealousy. When two people feel a sense of safety in the relationship, having an opposite-sex friendship becomes less of an issue.”Or is there another reason you are lying about he friendship? O-ho- exactly. Lol.
3. “I never talk about our personal life with my friends.”
Some women tell their girlfriends about relationship problems, knowing their guys would be upset if they found out. “It’s important for spouses to feel like their marriage is a secret, sacred space,” says licensed marriage and family therapist Carin Goldstein, creator of Be the Smart Wife. Taking private information to a friend means you’re running from a problem to avoid confrontation.
Venting about your husband’s messy closet is one thing, but don’t take serious issues public. “If you’re constantly asking a friend how to solve a problem in your marriage, then you’re going to the wrong source,”. “You’re stunting your relationship by trying to fix the issue with another person.” And guess where all the malicious gossip about your personal and intimate family details would come from? Yeah, you guessed right.
4. “I always watch what I eat.”
“I buy these amazing coffee cakes sometimes on my way to work,” say Chioma, from Abuja. “I think I’ll have just a piece at lunch, but end up eating half the cake. I don’t want my husband to know I’ve had that much.” As I’m supposed to be dieting and watching my weight at home.
Although some men may care about their wives’ munches, the pressure to eat well is usually internal. “Women often make presumptions about their partners without ever hearing them say anything judgmental,”. “You’re judging yourself and then blaming him for preventing you from owning up to it.” Cut yourself some slack about the occasional food indulgence. Tell your husband, and laugh about it with him. Lying about a non-issue only corrodes trust in your marriage. Why should you lie about giving in to your cravings? I felt like eating chocolate so I did. Shrug*
5. “I wasn’t with Tinuke; I was only with Jennifer and Aisha.”
If one of your friends continually butts heads with your husband or he just doesn’t like her for any reason whatsoever, you may feel like spending time with her means aligning with her or show that you aren’t respectful of his wishes. “So she’ll tell him she went to lunch with someone else.
“No one wants to defend her choice of friends”. “But you may resent your partner for ‘making you lie.” The solution: Have a conversation with your spouse about Katie’s role in your life. Make his explain exactly why he does not like her, you can both analyze the reason and jointly conclude on whether it is reasonable enough- or not. Your husband may better understand the importance of your friendship-and what do you know, maybe even like her a little better too.
6. “These new shoes? They were on sale.”
“I bought Christian Louboutin shoes from a shop at Shop Rite, says Nky, they were N120K a piece and I said they were N35K a piece. I know my husband would’ve said I was being wasteful if he knew the real price, that is because I knew it was too high.”Lies about purchases stem from the “power differential in the relationship, often modeled by parents growing up. The man controls the money, and the wife thinks she needs permission to purchase something, even if it is her money.
Agree to discuss buys over a certain amount with each other, and feel free to keep mum when the total is under that (knowing that he’ll do the same). If your husband asks about a particular item, tell the truth. Past generations of men may have held the purse strings, but that doesn’t mean your hubby does or wants to; he may just be curious. And just want you to be more thrifty and cultivate the habit of saving money and not just splurge on any new item just because you want to belong or feel cool amongst your peers. And there’s a reason you lied, maybe it was an unnecessary purchase, especially if there are other priorities.
7. “I didn’t forget to go to the bank. I got busy and figured I’d go later.”
You may not realize you tell the tiniest lies, but it probably comes from a sense you have to give a more legitimate excuse than the real reason, like simply spacing out. “Lying about little things is an avoidance of feeling ashamed, you know that you often forget important things, this is one of the most common occurrences in marriages today.
Small fibs signify a deeper issue of insecurity. “If your partner tends to be condescending or judgemental, lying might be a direct response to that,”. If you notice a pattern of senseless lies, be upfront with your husband so he can have a broader view of the situation and help you work through a problem, if need be. Than totally avoiding it by lying. Some women have a lazy and lackadaisical approach to things, the man should help them and not crucify them. She is part of you, after all. Would you help yourself or abandon you? Exactly!
8. “Of course you’re great in bed. I’m totally satisfied.”
Whether it’s singing his praises or faking an orgasm, lying about between-the-sheets fulfillment happens a lot. “Wives don’t want to feel responsible for their husband’s shame,” They don’t want to act like they want more, as if they are the ones that have a problem, instead of the fact that the man needs to up his game. Next thing, it’ll be that they are spoilt or slutty.
Dealing with dissatisfaction this way actually deepens the issue. “If a need’s not being met, the problem will get bigger. So nip it in the bud. “First, ask yourself why you can’t orgasm. Figure out what works for your body, and then say, ‘I love it when you do this. Let’s keep doing that.’” Positive reinforcement encourages your husband to continue doing the things you like in bed, which ultimately satisfies you both. Bonus: You build his confidence and spare his feelings and you start having awesome sex.
9. “No, that doesn’t bother me at all.”
The honeymoon phase causes newlyweds to insist things that really bug them don’t-and the annoyance can persist for years. If you’re afraid of rocking the boat, you may hold grievances in until you’re bubbling with anger. “Spouses blow off little things, avoiding having to talk about feelings and resolve issues. ”But it’s a major issue. When you keep sweeping irritating things under the carpet, more often than not, that kind of marriage ends in divorce.”
A little recurring thing is a big deal. “With Twitter, Facebook and social media, there’s so much room to act out what isn’t getting resolved in marriage, confiding in another person and putting up emotional statuses. Avoid that and be honest with your spouse. Try: “This may sound silly, but it annoys me when you are undecided about what you want to eat ALL the time. You leave me confused and exasperated. Could you please help me take care of you?” It may take some time (and reminders) to tweak his habit, but he’ll get there-without you holding a grudge against him.
Hope this helps couples out there……Xxx.
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